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Home ain’t home anymore, dad

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Home ain’t home anymore, dad

It was 25th Feb around 9 PM where me,my brother and dad were staying in a neurology rehabilitation home,actually it was my turn to stay that night. We got discharge two days back from Apollo Hospitals,Ghy and shifted here,while that particular night we brought him back from his routine dialysis.
I oiled him well and put some ointment on his hand too.By the time dinner arrived for dad.It was some kind of salt-less so called khichdi.I fed him with his dinner and some spoons of water too.I kept insisting him to finish all,but since he was having trouble breathing due to creps in the lungs, he couldn’t much.He was about to take his regular medicines but slowly closed his eyes and went unconscious.His oxygen level dropped to 40.We got him oxygen as soon as possible.The nurse over there asked me to shift him to hospital & they called ambulance immediately.
My phone rang,it was my uncle,he made a routine call and as i answered my voice trembled and i just couldnt speak anything.He replied, ‘We are on our way’.
In the mean time,the ambulance was here and we were on way back to Apollo Hospitals once again. While dad regained sense because of oxygen,he enquired ‘What is wrong again,where am i going now?’. I told him it was nothing serious and a routine check up and asked him to keep talking to me.
It was 11PM, we reached.But they declined saying they have no ICU bed available at that time.I had to argue and finally i made call to two known neurosurgeons who were treating dad.Then,they somehow arranged a bed but asked me to wait for 2 hours in the emergency block.
The doctors in the emergency started checking everything,his oxygen levels got normal along with his vitals too.He was stable and out of danger.Oh God,i was so relaxed then.
Well,in next 10 mins,the doctor said that he has fluid all over his lungs and chest,and they might need to do a dialysis again (dad was on dialysis since past two months).I asked them to shift him to ICU now.By that time,uncle and other members arrived and went inside to meet dad.I got some hope and was relieved a bit.He was fine now,he could response to us,he was in complete sense,having certain difficulty in speaking though he answered back.
At 1 AM,we took him inside NEURO ICU BLOCK on the 4th floor.I remember his bed no as 8,it could be seen directly from the glass slab outside.We were waiting outside seeing dad.
The nurse were doing the necessary stuffs such as cannula,catheter,saline,monitors,ecg,xrays etc etc.The doctor in charge called me inside to give him the history about that night.He was well aware of the fact that i am a dentist and the eldest one.We talked,i explained him all in details,he said ‘Its fine,we ll get a suction done first so that he can breathe without oxygen’.
I went outside to inform my family members.I could see all of them being tensed,some in tears.They kept watching dad all the time from outside the icu through slab.

It was 2AM,ideally no attendant is allowed so late to enter inside.I could see dad was umcomfortable and saying something to the nurse through the mask.So in a way i asked them if i can collect the personal equipments (dad clothes,blankets etc) and i entered.Seeing me,dad called me and asked for water.I told him ‘its already 2AM,i ll tell the nurse to give it to you,i have to move out fast from here,i just came to see you’.He replied okay. I informed the nurse about water and a sleeping pill that dad usually takes every night and stepped outside,pretty sure to meet him in morning with his beloved red tea.

It was 3AM,I came for ATM downstairs,i was hungry thought of eating something and grabbed a sandwich,offered the same to my brother.
We were sitting outside the hospital inside our car,while i was restless ,i could feel something is wrong.I asked my cousin lets go upstairs and see dad.He assured me that dad has fought many such battles,and he ll be fine, may be he slept already.
Anyways i stepped out of the car and went to reception,thought of visiting dad again but it was 4.30AM and they didnt allow.I had no choice i sat on a chair and felt asleep.
Suddenly 15-20mins later my younger brother came yelling at me that what was i doing there as dad got an attack and is on ventillation.
I neither could stand up at first nor could say anything,i just followed him and reached infront of the ICU.
And all i could see from outside,the doctors were giving him CPR continuosly.Sometimes the monitor showed the pulse as 80,sometimes 180 and sometimes a flat line.They said that he had an attack and then he had two continuos attacks in 30 mins due to fluid overload.
I didnt understand what went wrong in just an hour or two.I wish i had stayed outside the icu instead of going downstairs.My body went cold.I somehow managed to call my younger sister who had her papers that day to rush in hospital now.I literally felt the earthquake inside me and i bursted out.
It was 6AM then,everybody arrived.
Till 8 AM,we had to see the same scene,the doctors giving CPR without any signs.I had to go in to stop it and i saw at the doctor,he saw at the monitor and then turned to me with ‘Sorry Brother!’
All i could see dad laying in bed with hospital uniform on and with a tube in his mouth but this time he didnt answer me anything.I kept him calling for an hour,but he went stiff.I had to see him going away all of a sudden. I was put in a state of emotional turmoil.
Tears kept rolling down,i kissed him on his head,hold his fingers tight and told him ‘I AM SORRY father, i just couldnt save you this time’.
The doctors ascertained that it was Metabolic acidosis, Asphyxiation pneumonia with End stage renal disease and Pott’s Spine.

Home ain’t home anymore, dad.
Its been 8 months now living with this hole inside still hopeful someday you are gonna come and take your medicines regularly,wipe my tears away and rub your hands on my head.I ll miss you dad till then wherever you are be my shadow.You fought well but since you were/are my everything its getting harder for me every single day to accept this harsh reality.I do not know if i can absorb this turmoil ever.

The psychiatrist termed me depressed and schizopherenic but hardly medicine works in such times.I feel so disconnected from this world,i feel scared of people,i dont want to talk to neone nor do anything.I dont know if this is end but i miss my dad,i miss all the moments specially the ones in hospital always and how we talked.i want to scream so aloud that my heart would burst out.People visit me n tell me to have patience and keep hope,but this is out of my grip.i just want to be beside dad anyday anytime,i ll b happy with that.I know death comes sooner or later and all stuffs but for me my dad was everything i had and so i dont feel like living anymore.